Healing after sexual trauma takes time.
Allowing yourself to feel the range of emotions, from fear, disgust, shame, anger, repulsion, to eventually acceptance, confusion, tenderness, guilt, and with enough time, a deep love and sense of respect for what your body has endured and survived...whatever arises, learning to be with it, to feel it, knowing you are safe, learning that your body is on your side. It's here to help you. It's trying to keep you safe in the best ways it knows how with the tools it currently has and had in the past.
One of the most profound acts of healing after sexual abuse is reclaiming your aliveness and learning to re-inhabit the body confidently, courageously, and creatively with your partner of choice, knowing you are safe, your power has not been taken away from you permanently. You are already in the process of reclaiming what has always been yours.
Your ability to reclaim that connection takes time. It isn't linear. Allow yourself to be intimate with yourself and perhaps your current partner (if this applies) in ways that are not even considered "sexual" as you slowly strengthen that muscle to feel safe in your body. What feels comfortable, what feels supportive? Start there. Even a platonic embrace could be that smallest first step to even stepping back into what it feels like to fully be in your body. That's a success. That's the work.
While this is a heavy subject, it is welcome here. You are welcome here. The whole point of this membership is to heal what needs to come to the surface to be re-worked and eventually released.
We heal at a slow and gentle pace. Allow yourself the gift of following what feels safest for where you're at right now.